If we don’t look good, you don’t look good

I realized the other morning as I was primping—yes, I primp—how different I physically look when my energy is more balanced, when my chakras are doing what they are meant to do, and when I practice self-care—a key element to happiness and survival in my mind.  I mean one full Healing Touch session over two days at the workshop and the dark circles under my eyes are diminished, subtle things that mean a lot.  I loves me some woo.

 

What a difference a gay makes

Funny how I'm truly seeing things differently, but also feeling things differently on a visceral level.  I found myself as a permanent guest to the diversity committee recently.  When I described why I was there and what I was looking for from the committee, I came out, naturally.  And this time, it was natural, more natural than it has ever been.  I almost had to stop myself mid-sentence because I was aware of how different it felt now that the connection is forged, now that internalized homophobia has been stamped out.  It's odd to try to describe the difference.  But believe me, it's oddly wonderful and real.

 

Good fella

I'm always amazed and humbled by the Healing Touch experience, and never more so than in a workshop of apparent strangers who, one by one, come up to me over the course of the class to compliment me.  They tell me how wonderful and beautiful my energy is, how powerful I am, what a calming, strong presence I have, and how they know I am destined for great work.  In the class that I helped with this month, I was also told how cute and impish I am, adjectives that I so needed to hear.  What was different about this last experience was the presence of renewing self-confidence that allowed me to truly and humbly accept and embrace.  Previously I had felt that to do so was either a falsehood, as I didn't "believe" what they were telling me, or arrogance.  But I'm coming to realize—and embrace—that humility doesn't mean you think less of yourself; it means you think of yourself less.  Letting the horse run does not beget arrogance.  That being said, I truly hope that I may live up to such compassionate and well-timed compliments.

 

The brow and crown chakras

And then I found myself over Loch Katrine.  Not in a boat, just hovering over the water of deepest indigo.  I stared into midnight blue waters and asked for the guide for my brow chakra to come forth.  A small school of koi swam up to the surface.

My first thought was that koi do not live in Loch Katrine.

"We represent your East-meets-West philosophy."

"Sometimes there are more of us, sometimes less.  You must trust your intuition because it will guide you.  You must not be afraid to speak your truth.  When you do, the phoenix can light the murkier waters and we can more clearly.  Trust yourself."

And with that, I was in the sky, soaring.  Through the clouds, I floated freely, noticing vulture beside.  I had been expecting him.

"Things did not happen today in the way that you had imagined, and they will continue to unfold in ways that you have not thought.  But all is as it should be.  Remember what we all told you: trust yourself; you are not bad; you deserve your love; and there is someone for you.  Remember your spirit, remember the healer in you."

A council meeting with all of the guides was the final step of the exercise.  We all met in the heart chakra, in the forest and garden therein.  Each of the guides reiterated their messages before I asked who was to be put into the middle of the circle to receive heart energy.  The unicorn was to be put into the center.

As heart energy flowed from each of us, I noticed the unicorn becoming a being composed of energy and light.  Suddenly he was not alone.  A bison was standing next to him.

At once I was no longer in the forest.  I was on the plains of Yellowstone and a few hundred yards before me was a lone bison.

"This is what I'm working for?  To be out here all alone?"  I was disappointed.

"You will not be alone," he said.  Instantly I was surrounded by an impossible number of bison, a huge herd of hundreds of thousands.  Then, it was just the two of us again.

"When everything works in harmony, then you have everything, you have abundance."  The bison intermittently flashed white.  "This is what you are working toward: abundance and healing."

 

 

The hummingbird

Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying our hopes for love, joy, and celebration.  The hummingbird's delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning, and that laughter is life's sweetest creation.

 

 

Throat chakra

Once again, I was back in the black room, and once again the room was not the chakra.  Before on the floor was an alcohol burner with a tiny blue flame.  This flame was my chakra.  My first thoughts were of disappoint because of the flame being so small.  Immediately the flame exploded into a raging blue fire that coalesced into the form of a phoenix.

"I am the powerful one.  I am the one who brings us all together.  I am fire-born.  To thy own self be true."

The phoenix took flight and we were at once back in the garden of my heart chakra.

"Here is where we all are.  Here is where we work together.  I bring us here.  I must be heard.  I must be used.  I cannot be destroyed, save with disuse.  When I am used, we are all one."

The other guides were all here and were now composed of blue flame.  At first it was entrancing, but then it seemed as if the guides were being consumed.

"Stop!" I shouted fearfully.

"I must be used wisely because of my strength and power.  To thy own self be true.  But I must be used.  To thy own self be true.  When I am used, the unicorn will speak and bison can be found.  To thy own self be true.  To thy own self be true.  To thy own self be true."

The phoenix was loud, thunderous, and unable to be ignored.

 

Heart chakra

And then I found myself in a fairy tale wood, a beautiful verdant forest with a path running down its center.  This place felt calm, serene, warm, and familiar.

As I looked up to ask for the totem, a unicorn came cantering down the path to stop in front of me.  I was most pleased, knowing the mystical, healing powers of the unicorn.  I thanked the unicorn and asked it what I needed to learn from it that day, but the unicorn didn't speak.

Instead, a squirrel appeared to my right in one of the trees.  "I speak for the unicorn," he said, "because you are not ready to speak to him directly.  You can't hear him yet."

He continued, "You come here all of the time.  You bring so many people here for healing, for caring.  But you never come here just for you, for your healing.  But this is where we all come together.  This is the bridge, the most important place."

With those words, the wood was now full of animals, including the ones I had already met.  "We work together here.  If you are here, you will find him.  If you are here, you will find you.  Of all of the people in this world who deserve your love, you deserve it the most.  When you are ready, the unicorn will speak to you.  The unicorn can bring forth bison."

"Trust yourself, love yourself, and run with the wind."

 

The ladder

Life to me these days is like a game of Chutes and Ladders, or Snakes and Ladders if you will.  For some time during grad school, I felt as if I were not moving on the board at all.  As if I had skipped a turn.  It wasn't until recently that I realized the ladder I was slowly climbing, at least professionally.  I suppose, in a way, life to me these days is like a game of three-dimensional Chutes and Ladders, to borrow from the Star Trek lexicon.  These intertwined aspects of my life sometimes do not always line up perfectly.  So, while I thought I was remaining still on the board in some realms of my life, I was unaware of movement in others.

I find myself, now, at the bottom of another ladder.  This ladder before me is a link between so many dimensions and isn't easily scaled or even reached.  I may have found myself here before, but—with newer insight—I doubt it.  At times I have wondered if I can reach the first rung, if I have the strength to make it to the top, where it ends, and if it will bear my weight.  While this ladder is formidable, it is necessary to climb.

And so the hiatus, which is coming to an end, obviously.  While I am not sure if I have actually begun my ascent at this time, I hope that the first rungs will be beneath me in the coming weeks.  Until I know for sure my location in this game of life, I don't want to jinx anything.  Meanwhile, I'm still writing and processing, so you'll find these entries in an order that made sense to me at the time, or rather in the order in which I thought of them or they happened.  But don't ask me to remember exact dates.

 

Um, yeah...

So, I'm, uh, on hiatus for a bit.  I'm writing...a little.  But I won't be posting anything for a while.

 

Thanks.

 

But you gotta have friends

In case you didn't know, I have been blessed with some of the most remarkable, compassionate, encouraging, marvelous, uplifting, supportive, and irreplacable friends. 

 

To all of you counted in that number--and I hope you know who you are--I am eternally and most humbly grateful.

 

Thank you.

 

Fragrance

Wearing fragrance makes me feel attractive.

It took me a while to realize that I've been wearing fragrance daily for a few weeks now. Some might not think this is a big deal. But I've not worn fragrance daily in...I can't remember when. It used to be an everyday thing and then it sort of just disappeared, along with other primping rituals. There was a time when I took even more measured attention to my appearance. And while at the time it was a strive for 'perfection,' some amount of self-care was lost when I stopped, whenever that was.

But now an attitude toward self-care seems to be back. And I'm taking it and other indicators as a sign of metamorphosis and movement.

Libra versus Pisces

It's a grudge match.

I was born in Pisces and am so typical of that sign, tis not even funny. However, this constant duality is juxtaposed with my rising sign of Libra, the scales. Balance, balance, balance. Perhaps I'm too woo or too simplistic about such things, but it is the way I see it and try to make sense of it.

But I often wonder if I'm really making sense of it or just coming up with excuses. See, duality.

Anyway, so this week, the transcendental high of the guided imagery experience wore off, leaving me a bit melancholy. I guess I was too busy riding the wave of glee to realize that it wasn't a permanent panacea for my ills, only much needed and much appreciated insight. There is still work to be done. But complacency is so much easier, but ever so threatening to the state of things. Stress now shows the physical effects of its exacting presence on my face and body, which just doesn't snap back from a couple of martinis the way it once did. I feel as though I look old and haggard, leading me to think of potential reasons why my milkshake don't bring all the boys to the yard.

Of course, this could all be, and most likely is, distorted vision, exaggerating the perceived flaws and making mountains out of molehills. At least that's what I'm hoping. In the meantime, I'm trying to remember the lessons of that honest and raw conversation with my inner self, hoping that my baseline is now moderately higher, and desperately hoping to remain on track with things.

The solar plexus chakra

I looked up from the frog to find a field before me. Immediately, a large, beautiful horse came up to me. The horse was brown with a white star of hair beneath it's forelock.

Again, there was a feeling of timidity, of the unknown. I hadn't been here before, this chakra was new to me.

"We should run," the horse said.

"Can we just stand here for a while," I whispered. "I'm very tired and kind of scared."

"We can stand here today, but we cannot stand here forever. We must run with the wind, that's where were get our power and our strength. Because we are free, we are strong, we are golden. There is nothing wrong with us and being small does not serve our purpose. We're meant to run, frolic, and be free."

With that the horse began running around the edges of the field which was ringed by a forest. The sunlight made everything golden, incredibly golden.

"See me? See how strong we are when we run?"

Suddenly, my great-grandmother was standing in the middle of the field, and then near to.

"It's time for you run, to be strong and free. You're in horse country now. There is nothing wrong with you. You are good and you deserve happiness. You deserve love. It's out there for you, if you trust and run with the wind. You are your own resistance."

The hot, huge, salty tears that had begun flowing when speaking with the snake, and continued with the frog, kept falling from my eyes in the physical plane. But in my field, my golden field with my great-grandmother and my horse, I was in awe of the freedom, power, and strength in my solar plexus.

"Where you go next," she said, "is the most important. The heart links it all together. Trust, and run."

Today someone told me that my face didn't match my personality. I'm still not sure how to take that.