Um, yeah...

So, I'm, uh, on hiatus for a bit.  I'm writing...a little.  But I won't be posting anything for a while.

 

Thanks.

 

But you gotta have friends

In case you didn't know, I have been blessed with some of the most remarkable, compassionate, encouraging, marvelous, uplifting, supportive, and irreplacable friends. 

 

To all of you counted in that number--and I hope you know who you are--I am eternally and most humbly grateful.

 

Thank you.

 

Fragrance

Wearing fragrance makes me feel attractive.

It took me a while to realize that I've been wearing fragrance daily for a few weeks now. Some might not think this is a big deal. But I've not worn fragrance daily in...I can't remember when. It used to be an everyday thing and then it sort of just disappeared, along with other primping rituals. There was a time when I took even more measured attention to my appearance. And while at the time it was a strive for 'perfection,' some amount of self-care was lost when I stopped, whenever that was.

But now an attitude toward self-care seems to be back. And I'm taking it and other indicators as a sign of metamorphosis and movement.

Libra versus Pisces

It's a grudge match.

I was born in Pisces and am so typical of that sign, tis not even funny. However, this constant duality is juxtaposed with my rising sign of Libra, the scales. Balance, balance, balance. Perhaps I'm too woo or too simplistic about such things, but it is the way I see it and try to make sense of it.

But I often wonder if I'm really making sense of it or just coming up with excuses. See, duality.

Anyway, so this week, the transcendental high of the guided imagery experience wore off, leaving me a bit melancholy. I guess I was too busy riding the wave of glee to realize that it wasn't a permanent panacea for my ills, only much needed and much appreciated insight. There is still work to be done. But complacency is so much easier, but ever so threatening to the state of things. Stress now shows the physical effects of its exacting presence on my face and body, which just doesn't snap back from a couple of martinis the way it once did. I feel as though I look old and haggard, leading me to think of potential reasons why my milkshake don't bring all the boys to the yard.

Of course, this could all be, and most likely is, distorted vision, exaggerating the perceived flaws and making mountains out of molehills. At least that's what I'm hoping. In the meantime, I'm trying to remember the lessons of that honest and raw conversation with my inner self, hoping that my baseline is now moderately higher, and desperately hoping to remain on track with things.

The solar plexus chakra

I looked up from the frog to find a field before me. Immediately, a large, beautiful horse came up to me. The horse was brown with a white star of hair beneath it's forelock.

Again, there was a feeling of timidity, of the unknown. I hadn't been here before, this chakra was new to me.

"We should run," the horse said.

"Can we just stand here for a while," I whispered. "I'm very tired and kind of scared."

"We can stand here today, but we cannot stand here forever. We must run with the wind, that's where were get our power and our strength. Because we are free, we are strong, we are golden. There is nothing wrong with us and being small does not serve our purpose. We're meant to run, frolic, and be free."

With that the horse began running around the edges of the field which was ringed by a forest. The sunlight made everything golden, incredibly golden.

"See me? See how strong we are when we run?"

Suddenly, my great-grandmother was standing in the middle of the field, and then near to.

"It's time for you run, to be strong and free. You're in horse country now. There is nothing wrong with you. You are good and you deserve happiness. You deserve love. It's out there for you, if you trust and run with the wind. You are your own resistance."

The hot, huge, salty tears that had begun flowing when speaking with the snake, and continued with the frog, kept falling from my eyes in the physical plane. But in my field, my golden field with my great-grandmother and my horse, I was in awe of the freedom, power, and strength in my solar plexus.

"Where you go next," she said, "is the most important. The heart links it all together. Trust, and run."

Today someone told me that my face didn't match my personality. I'm still not sure how to take that.

American Hero

86

You know what, scratch the previous post.  It was a chute.  Curses.

 

Chutes and Ladders

So, I'm confused and not sure where I am on the game board.

 

I enjoy the metaphor and think of life sometimes, especially as of late, as a game of Chutes and Ladders, or Snakes and Ladders in other parts of the world which I hold dear.  Sometimes it's easy to tell what has just happened on your go: you've hit a chute, you've hit a ladder, or you've been skipped and you're staying put.  My bus ride this morning is making me wonder where I am on this go.

 

A really, really hot guy got on the bus this morning.  Tall, lean, coiffed, put together, and smart (he was reading the New Yorker and walked into one of the research buildings).  I found myself only looking at him and the neurons where just firing left and right.  There were the ones that were saying things like, "see, that's how I want to look" or "he probably wouldn't go for you, if he's gay."  And while those are thoughts I've often had before--usually going even further to say things like "if I looked like that, I could have/would get x," where x=a man, happiness, better life, et cetera--it kinda didn't go there today.  I say kinda because I can't deny those thoughts didn't flash at least once, but it was just the once.  Then some new or disused neurons kicked in, reminding myself of the things that I've been doing lately for me, or how I don't know that I've not been someone's bus ride fantasy, or the things that are left to accomplish that will make things all the more sweet because I will have really worked for them.

 

All of this was, of course, going on at once, and I just kept looking at him.  In the not too distant past, seeing someone so hot would make me feel less than I am.  This morning I feel more like a work in progress rather than someone whose growth has been stunted or halted.  I don't know.  

 

I'm sitting here, realizing that I'm coming down from my transcendental high of the guided imagery experience, feeling that I've just been riding the wave and have not been actively doing something to maintain it.  But I think, I think my baseline level of whatever it is, joie de vivre...that baseline has changed?  I thought whilst riding the bus of the fact that I bought a couple of cute tops this week in colors that I often long to wear but shy away from due to past feelings of magenta.  I thought about the fact that I've been wearing fragrance everyday for almost a week, something I once did all of the time and haven't done in years except on 'special' occasions, but something that makes me feel cute.  I've tested two new recipes this week, which hardly ever happens.  And I actually feel rested when I wake up in the morning for the first time in months.

 

Do I still want to look like that guy?  Honestly, yes.  But when I thought about that on the bus this morning, I thought about why I wanted to look like him, and there didn't seem to be any other ulterior motive other than the fact that that is the look that I like and want to achieve for me, just me.  And it didn't seem so far-fetched. 

 

Is that sentiment real and true?  I certainly hope so.