Projection

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
–Carl Jung

I'm a projector. We all are to an extent--projecting our irritation about the qualities we dislike about ourselves onto others who exhibit those same tendencies. But, after a while, it seems I've come to project irritation and surliness upon everyone, whether it is my intent or not. No one knows my intent but me, unless I express it. And my attitude, words, and actions not coming across in the spirit in which they are meant often bothers me.

I know what it is--depression. I am loathe to admit it, but it's true. I often wonder (a) when exactly I got into this vicious cycle those many years ago, and (b) will I ever find my way out. There is also a (c) that pops now as I think about the collection of posts here that vacillate between the ups and downs: (c) am I bipolar? That one is not a serious one, just humor trying to lighten the mood. I use humor as a tool, for good and evil purposes.

My new therapist left me with a task from our session last week. I'm meant to devise a plan as to how I will/could attain the goals that I want to achieve on a personal level. I've not really had a moment to work on them as of yet. But I had better get cracking because my next session is Friday morning.

I find that I make too many comparisons. "I don't want to act like her" or "why can't I look like him?". Always judging on some level, despite my longing not to do so. I know that I should make comparisons. Each person's individuality is something sacred, et cetera, et cetera. But the comparing and contrasting is a constant thing that I do in my head while riding the bus or shopping or watching television. I see a quality, attitude, or behavior that I don't like in so-and-so and vow that I am not the same. But oftentimes I can be or I am. Or I'll see a stranger or acquaintance and marvel at their ability and seeming ease to accomplish something and wish for that, not realizing that the ease I perceive may be smoke and mirrors. I'm very good at smoke and mirrors. I suppose the stoicism and surliness is part of my illusion. You can't always see the man behind the curtain.

Recently during a discussion about spirituality, the point was made about the difference between what one says one believes, what one thinks one believes, what one wants to believe, and what one actually believes. They're not always congruous. In my case, they are very disparate. The first three sets of beliefs appear to act in concert on almost all occasions. Brillo. But the fourth doesn't jive with that perfect triumverate, especially on the things one wishes for the most.

I've said many times before here on this blog that I'm hoping for change, working toward change, and the like. I hate to say again, but I am. What I do hope is different this time is that I am actively doing something. I've laid my cards on the table of a neutral third party, professionally trained to deal with such things. I don't think that is something someone would do if they didn't really want things to change. I've never really been good with this stages of change thingie. But here's hoping.

ps. The quote at the top was an idea and suggestion from Brian's recent post, though I wouldn't necessarily label this post well-crafted. Brian is a most thoughtful fellow, in numerous ways, and you should read his stuff because it's good, really good, and numerous other reasons.